[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
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My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.