(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
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Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
tinder is all about the long game
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500