Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
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Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”