me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
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He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.