You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
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Wednesday
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
How much for the goth pool noodles?
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
2022: I can fix it
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.