“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
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‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Holy crap this is wonderful
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.