My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
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If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
That 👊
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!