Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
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I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
It has been 3 years since Monday.
“OMGJK” -atheists
Incredible customer service.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.