No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
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[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
same energy