Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
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“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
ugh not again
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*