I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
You Might Also Like
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
I triple waxed for this?
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination