cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
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I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT