I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
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Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Beards are a privilege, not a right
An odd boast
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Probably my best painting.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
technically true but not a great slogan
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for