ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
You Might Also Like
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁