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Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
A couple who are silly together stay together.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
a public service announcement
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.