🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
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My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home