Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
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wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed