*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
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My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
The internet is magic sometimes.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
you know what ruined my childhood? children
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team