Smooooooth
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Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT