My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
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Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET