My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
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A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…