Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
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That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Who did it better?
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
sistine chapel
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”