I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
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food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
That 👊
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.