[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
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I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?