I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
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My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
I cannot stop laughing at this
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Check your privilege
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.