me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
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Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
LOOOOOOL
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be