my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
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You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420