QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
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Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Thursday
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.