I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
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Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Can’t, holding a grudge
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.