My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
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Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*