One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
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Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
it must be school picture day
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.