*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
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Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
Fight
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]