I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
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You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Welcome to the stomach
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
That’s no pocket rocket.
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.