Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
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Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing