WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
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I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that