I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
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[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME