Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
You Might Also Like
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
*weighs self after shaving
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?