Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
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5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
I’ll be mad as hell!
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.