*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
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Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.