[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
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Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.