My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
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Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.