LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
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Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise