When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
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….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
Skills
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.