This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
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not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.