I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
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I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough