These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
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when dads have a rap battle
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!