2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
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A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
A friend sent me this.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
This could’ve been an email.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.