i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
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You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK