Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
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The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Worlds greatest photobomb
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.