Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
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Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.